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[31 Dec 2006|10:44am] |
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dont think anyone uses this anymore, or even cares what i write
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[29 Oct 2006|11:35am] |
this is my door
this is my steering column
fuckers have fucked both, and all the got was my stereo.
cunts
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[27 Oct 2006|10:38am] |
so if i used this journal as it should be used, you know about everything that ive done in the opast few months, but i dont, so you dont. but its hard to remember, i dont have that good a memory, but i think i have to go back to the summer to remind myself. but lets start with this month.
jazz hands last night with the beautiful people at bonobo, hanging with howard marks, happy birthday fabric, learning to become an international superstar dj, bitching about work (when dont i), seeing the boys new flat in sunny sunny grays, the joys of oxford and who i see there (<3), season 3 of lost, season 10 of south park, darkplace dvd, meeting old friends who have finished uni, only going out in romford once and that was to see 3movements, and i left as soon as they'd finished.
there seems so much more, felt like i havent updated in ages about things like malta and the random nights up city, and one day this year i will play golf, one day.
im happy at the moment.
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[22 Oct 2006|05:35pm] |
something doesnt feel right. for the past few weeks my head has been up down and all around, going fabric when i was ill doesnt seem like it was such a good idea, the fall out from it is making me itch, making me think too much. right at this moment i'd love to smash things up, but thats not me, right now i'd love to drive off somewhere that i dotn know, but thats not me. today i think i sent around 50 texts to random people who i havent chatted to in long, or havent seen in a while, they ask how i am, and what im up to, i say the same, they already know what i mean, they know im in the same job, doing the same things. im fucked off beyond belief. for the past two weeks ive been sending my cv off and attempting to get a proper job that has something to do with my degree. i thought that i wouldn't hear from any of tem, but i did. the bbc put it best:
"...we are sorry, but the position you have applied for requires a more experienced person, but we do have a work experience position available. this job will be over a period of 3 months and will be based in west london. unfortunatly we cannot provide travel expenses, and we cannot guarantee you position after the 3 month period is over. alternativly you can go through a media agency where we find most of our employees." (what they don't tell you is this agency charges £10 a month to be one that site, has a 25% success rate at finding jobs, and for the first year i have to put that i am a graduate, of which most media companies look down apon).
now i knwo its my fault, all those years at uni i could have worked then doing experience for no money, just got myself more in debt. almost all other uni's that have media courses have work placement with media companies, did mine, not a fat chance, everything we had at uni had to done of our own backs. even some of the tutors said it would be difficult for us to get jobs if we cant get experience.
so this is whats getting to me. do i work for no money, get myself back into debt, live with my folks for the next 5 years, and then take the chance that i will get a job at the end of it.
or do i change my career options, look for something else. ive got a degree, which will help, but what the fuck should i do, something in racing, i know there are some good jobs in it, just need to look, find out what i can get into.
im at a major crossroad in my life and i dont know what the hell im supposed to do. around the age of 11 i got a little plan in my head. by 16 i had started to put it into practice. the plan faultered when i finished uni, from there i was supposed to get the job i love, or start working towards it, but it seems like ive taken 2 steps back, it seems like ive just dropped out of school and need to sort my future, but i have no idea, no guidance, no one to tell me what i should be looking at or not looking at. ive never ever had any career advice, just people going 'have you got a new job yet?'. i went to uni to do something i liked, but when i cant get a job in it, then i have no idea how to move forward. its all good people telling me what i should and shouldn't do in the short term, and they would prob do it so different, thats why i get fucked off when people tell me to do stuff that ive tried. it gets to me.
my head hurts. something isn't clicking.
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[27 Aug 2006|11:04am] |
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things are gona change
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[25 Aug 2006|02:09pm] |
why do i bother sometimes, i wake up not feeling right, i go to work and it feels like everything has been sapped out of me. i get told of problems and hassel, become the messenger, then get shot down for doing it, so why the fuck should i bother, why the fuck should i care, i cared for too long over things that i shouldn't, ive let myself down, im losing too much weight, i smoke too much, i never go out anymore, my holiday feels like an age ago, i spend more time in this fucking bookies then i do anywhere else. and you know what that makes someone feel like? makes them feel like shit, like the lowest of the low. each night i come home smelling of fags, my parents are asleep, my friends are either all out or in bed. ihave no social life anymore and that fucking hurts me. doing the same thing day in day out, and not to get properly rewarded is cuntish. to get hassel over something that had nothing to do with me, i was probably in bed when it happened, but why am i the one who gets the brunt of it. why am i the one who listens, who listens to me? no one thats who, i keep all my problems pent up in side (let the fury build), i dont get emotional over things, its called dignaty, everyone deals with things in there own way. i cant deal with my problems., so i have to sort everyone elses out. some of my close friends dont even know bout half the stuff that circles my brain every single day and night. i got told that i have a cold exterior, i let things brush off me easily, but i dont i take them in, keep them deep, and people dont realise how much they actually push me. i can feel it, im gona snap. ive seen it in my family before, i remember the day my sister snapped, its fucking scary as, and even tho i was only a kid t the time, i can still remember it all to this day. i dont want that to happen, i dont want to end up like that, but i scares me that i will.
if you came up to me today tho, and asked how i feel, i'll tell you fine. why? becasue i dont want people to know how i feel. im getting depressed again and i dont like it. each time i do, i somehow get out of it, but it worries me that what if i dont, what if i come home one night and i cant smell the roses. im letting people walk over me, im letting them get away with stuff that some people would lose there rag over. im too forgiving, and what do i get for it, more lies, more hassel. anyone else would walk away. so why doi let it happen? because im tired of caring, i cant change people, a tiger doens't change its stripes. it'll never change. i know it wont, so how does that affect the future if you know it will still be the same down the line. i know people say things behind my back about certain parts of my life, so why should i let it continue. why shoul i get stares everytime i walk into a pub in romford. why do i put up with it.
i was far away from the edge, but you've pushed me too close.
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[24 Aug 2006|01:58pm] |
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well meh, meh meh mehmehmehmeh. im not feeling much this week, nothing is grabbing my attention, i sit at work and glare at screens all day, i swear my eyes are getting worse. fuck wearing my name badge ever again in work, it got to the point when the cricketters pub was having a mass discussion about the spelling, even how many scrabble points i would get for it (11 if you want to know), and i just put a smile on my face, pleased the pissed punters, when in reality i really wanted to scream fuck off in their faces, it was getting to me that much, bunch of muggy cunts think they fucking know it all and all they do is sit in a shitty pub all day, drinking their shitty beer, and think they can get away with it. they think they have ok lives, sitting about chatting about how their ex wives are fleecing them, and how they're kids are fucked up/dont love them/in prison. im tired of listening to their babble as they throw away a weeks wage on a dog that had a name that reminded them of when life was good. life was never good for most of the punters i serve, life delt them a bad hand, and they decided not to do anything about it. fuck me i need a new job.
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[22 Aug 2006|12:36pm] |
urgh lazy days take it out of me, doing nothing all day can be an exhausting experience. you never really wake up. you kind of lay there in a daze, and the only energy you have is used by someone else to make their day even better (<3). last week of nights, thank fuck, about time i moved on, its getting a bit too much now, im getting pissed off at customers (although that will go when nights finish). work isn't too bad though, i have a pretty easy job, made even easier by the football starting again. i would have gone mad in work this summer if it wasn't for the world cup. football saved my sanity.
we've been talkign about doing things that we don't normally do or haven't done in ages. driving range is always been talked about, but has yet to be done. we talk about how good it would be to smack loads of balls as far as we can and be safe in the knowledge that we don't have to walk to them or search for them. haven't been to a gig in ages, so got some shadow tickets and going off to see mr nice again. should be fucn, howard marks is a legend!
i'm feeling good about life at the mo, i have a smile on my face, no real problems, just need to sort my future out, im getting too comfortable. but its nice.
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[08 Aug 2006|07:24pm] |
everyone seems to be in a happy joyful mood (apart from le fish, he is never happy, ever, fact), and i just seem to be going along with it, im not saying im not happy, far from it, i am, things are going good, im overworked and underpaid, but who isnt, but i just seem to be a tad bit disjointed from it, im not sad, but im not happy, im just ok. i procrastinate over everything, making everything drawn out, and my days shorter. i have no effort to do things, like find a proper job, my work pays ok, but the hours are a bitch, and i never get days off. i have no urge to clean my car, to save all my money for a car or something with more status. i'd love to move out, but i dont want to live on my own, yet none of my mates are ready to move out, and im too wary of strangers. i think too much.
so now for the proper stuff.
the following things have been cool to me this month:
south park season1
pendulum
dj shadow tickets
howard marks tickets
some nice gwam
thinking about fabric
film4
studio ghibli on film4
all the takeaways in the world
cider
kevin smith
b&h slide boxes
old school noel fielding stand up (oooohhohhhhh weetabix fingers!)
word of the month (thanks to the above person): oblong
getting days off that i ask for
the metal grinder that jon left at mine, that he thinks harris has, but harris thinks he has. it is mine. finders keepers. unlike the usb flash stick, which was stolen when i wasnt looking. damn you green hat man.
fruit. lots of it. grapes, melon, oranges, bananas, plums. taste.
girls who think they see to much of me, then hate it when they dont. i cant please them, but i do like trying <3
cant wait for friday. mash up.
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[31 Jul 2006|02:41pm] |
ive had such a good week, but the hard work starts now, working 40 and a half hours over 3 days, harsh. need sometime off but everyone wants time off at the same time. harshness indeed. need a new job. but ive been saying that for a year.no one is ever happy in their job i dont think, or otherwise it wouldnt be work. work to play.
had such a relaxed weekend, even if i dindnt get much sleep. jonny depp, kevin smith, all day breakfast, strawberrys and ice cream, getting caught naughty style, cups of tea and lots and lots of sweat. nice nice.
have to go give a statement to le police on wednesday due to the fish getting hassel. he's a hassel magnet.
i want to go fabric now. right this moment, right this second. pity.
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[26 Jul 2006|05:47pm] |
rah rah rah, tis ages since i updated this, only do it work now, i like the thought of updating and getting paid for it. yupyup.
went randomly to fabric, it was rhys' buffday, so you need to do something big when its someones birthday. the first time we've ever gone to fabric 'sorted', and it saves so much money, saves so much hassel, saves so much time. it was far too hot, needed shorts, even the stage wasn't that cool, stopped me dancing ALL night, so i only danced for a bit. i like to dance. im working more hours than the shop managers now. i get paid so much less than they do. that aint right.
missing you! <3
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[02 Jul 2006|02:34pm] |
its been a while......
i keep having strange weeks, where things i think will never happen to me do, and doing things that i shouldn't do. its all good though. but i was worried for a moment. begin to sum things up very quickly, and then realise you didnt need to is a relief.
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[16 Jun 2006|05:19pm] |
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ive had a strange week, people telling me i light up the room when i come in, discovering im still not better from the illness i had on holiday, sat and drank myself stupid for free, watched all the football in the world, discovered the stage is the best place to plot in fabric, people who expect favours for nothing really gets on my wick, parking tickets suck, being stared at by old men who tell me i have to pay to see a college, being loved and hated so much by one person (<3), sitting in traffic for an hour in the sun with no water isn't nice, being out of my overdraft is nice, missing meet up with old friends, sic plot 2 has been compromised.....
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[22 May 2006|09:55am] |
the most random month ive had in ages, ive been away and im not even brown, being ill put pay to that. its back to normal, like nothing happened last week, but i wont forget it, it was fun, i needed it, but i need another to recover from that one. you've got to love it.
<3
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[26 Apr 2006|01:47pm] |
I'm Vince!
Take Which Mighty Boosh Character Are You? today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Personality Test Generator.</p>You're Vince, owner of fantastic hair and a fondness for bright colours and soft fabrics. Nephew of a french duke, you were roped into working at the Zooniverse when your good friend Howard took you out of school, saying that GCSEs werent important. Your life's ambition is to be in a band, frontman obviously, using your ability to pull shapes.
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[25 Apr 2006|04:48pm] |
so this is about the fifth time this week ive typed out an entry, but im bored in work so why not do one now.
recently ive been trying to do things that make me happy, even in work i find myself humming a tune. but with the bank on my back, my car breaking down once again, not getting a new job, and the joys of my now crowded house, i should feel like crap, but im kind of brushing them off my shoulders, no need to get uptight, i need to stress less, but when you have friends like jon, its hard.
im hopefully gona try and organise a getaway for the summer, see if mighty boosh do a european tour or go to some random anticon gig in belgium or holland. or a nice pissed up weekend in the sun, i havent done that since faliraki and ayia napa. im such a rude boy at heart, i love it. i should get back to my roots, listen to some garage and go blut blut. where did i put that nike cap....
i never knew but wotsits have lame jokes on the back of the pack.
i think im getting addicted to horlicks.
i like getting photos emailed to me that ive never seen but look really good.
i like having msn conversations where people are made to 'hack it'
mighty boosh for the third time was even funnier. why you no like my pie.....
limp bizkits first album is da bomb.
i wana buy one of those pimped up sweets, the giant cream eggs look taste.
ah well back to work, at least im getting paid to watch the snooker and the football. my job isnt too bad....
much love
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[29 Mar 2006|11:16am] |
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i love xfm sometimes, especially when they send me free dvds in the post. has been a harsh few days, loads of work and family. looking to the future a lot, having family meetings to discuss the importance of ethics, and how we now all have to tread gently gently and how we cant say certain things to certain people. crazy times ahead.
hopefully i'll have a new job soon, fingers crossed!
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[06 Apr 2005|11:48pm] |
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